This is the first Friday night that I’m home with no plans.
My mind is going crazy.
I’m thinking about everything…
Which means I’m overthinking about everything.
Which means I feel like compete and utter shit.
Which means I’m tumblring.
…sigh
I’ve heard that many times. As well as, “you deserve better.”
The thing is, I know that… I just refuse to do anything about it.
Eh. Not really “refuse,” but can’t.
I don’t know.
I guess I don’t really want better, I just want you.
But you don’t want me.
I guess this isn’t the first time, so I guess I’m used to it?
Eh. Not really.
I knew this would happen and yet I sat here and let it happen.
Fuck.
Why do I do this too myself?
Set myself up to get hut.
Why?
… Well, it’s too late to walk away now.
So I’m just going to sit here and keep getting hurt.
Lovely.
I think I just like the feeling of being wanted.
Is that so wrong?
If it is, sue me, because that feeling is priceless to me.
Thank you so much for texting me today at 1 am. I really needed that.
Have you ever gone through a terrible heartbreak, and as soon as you start realizing that what’s done is done and that you did your best something terrible happens.
Well that’s what happened last night… or this morning.
After another long phone call with Phillip, I started to realize that he was right. I did my best. I did all I could. Now all I could do, was move on.
Simple enough right?
Hmm now the simplicity gets harder once everything you wished didn’t happen, happened.
Last night… or this morning, you texted me. You texted me this somewhat long message basically saying that you were sorry (I think). How cute right? But little did I know…
When I got your text, I was sleeping. After another night of crying myself to sleep, I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit. Oh, but wait. It gets even better. I read your text. Half awake, not knowing what to do. Do I text you now? Do I wait? What do I reply? Do I reply at all?
After all the progress that I made, you bring me all the way back to square one, with only a simple text message.
I don’t understand.
Why would say everything you did and not know why you said it?
Why would you tell me to just ignore what you said, right after I replied?
Is it fun to play with my head?
Is this what you wanted?
Well like I said, I hope your happy. I hope this was a fun almost 8 months for you.
Thanks again.
I’m counting down the days until my first session.
It was by no means intended for what you think, but I’m going to spill when I go.
